Guilty Failures
by Malice Shaw
Summary: What I think should have happened when Quistis lost her Insructor's license. They told her she was a failure, and had no leading capabilities. Was Seifer at fault? That's who she blames, but maybe it's not his fault as much as she wishes it was. Read/Revi


"You have no leadership skills."  
They need me to teach them, not bark orders into their ears..  
"Most of the children failed on the field test."  
But the ones who passed are the best of the Garen.  
"That blame goes on your shoulders.  
No.. I tried.. doesn't that count for anything?  
"Your instructing license is removed."  
No.. give me just one more chance.  
"But we am not with out pity on you."  
Pity.. take your pity...  
"You are now here by a full fledged SeeD. A mere demotion."  
SeeD.. SeeD...Squall is a SeeD.. I trained him for it..   
"But it's entirely your fault."  
Squall.. SeeD... We might work together?  
"How you of all people got on the List is a shock to all."  
The List...Seifer?  
"It's a shame that this has to come to an end."  
Seifer.. Seifer.. I failed you too..?  
"You were the best, Miss Trepe."  
Were.. were.. Im the past now...  
"You are dismissed."  
"....thank you."  
  
Blue eyes brimmed with unshed tears as they gazed upwards to the sky. She blinked them back into her eye balls. Don't cy. Don't cry.  
  
Be strong. Be the SeeD you train. Trained. Be your students, hapy they have achieved such a wonderful status. They where your students..  
  
It hurts so bad. her emotions beg her to please, please let us out of your heart. Let us be free. Cry. Cry for your loss. Cry for your salvati on. Cry for your peace. Don't be so strong.  
  
I can't cry. I'm Quistis Trepe. I'm the strong one..  
  
Yet she still denies the guilt and frustration eating at her soul.  
  
So she stood. Underneath the stars and thought on their words.  
  
Leadership. She led them to the fire caverns, to the field missions.. She led them every where. She loved them like her own children. Her own flesh and blood. Always feeling a tinge of sadness when they left the nest to pursue other assignments, higher learning, the works. With them, a piece of her soul parted as they stepped out of her classroom for the last time, thanking her for her teachings. They will carry her memory to their deathes and beyond.   
  
But that doesn't matter.  
  
Failure. She failed them. She failed in her duties that she so strived for. Prayed for. Worked so hard for.. gone. Tried so hard for. Failed her students, her mentors, everyone. Failed the Headmaster. Her hard work was nothing to them anymore. Now she was just a SeeD.  
  
Guilt. It encased her. Made her want to throw her whip into the ocean and wet the hard earth with her tears. Beat the salty droplets into the ground. Curse the day she became an intructor. All becuase she felt so guilty.. Guilty about ruining the lives of her friends who had become her students. The treppies. Letting them down. Even though they can be a nuisance at times, she still loved them.. in her own way.  
  
The emotions. They pleaded with her sanity. They begged to let her cry. Let the feelings go. She tried.. and was told to go talk to a wall.  
  
Squall. Her mind drifted back to him. Just hours earlier she had attempted to bring him into her world, her life, her pain. And he replied with his usual tart response before stepping up and leaving her to wallow in her own misery. His retreating, heavy footsteps reminded her of what a useless instructor she was to him, Seifer, and the rest.  
  
Seifer. This was his fault. He put her on the list. Called her mediocre, bad mouthed her infront of the head mentors of Garden. Disobeyed her every command when he should have been following them. No.. it wasn't his fault. If she wasn't the things he claimed her to be then they wouldn't have taken away her Instructor's license. Maybe he was a blessing in disguise? Or something less? Or more? All she knew, as her body shuddered out a pent up sob and her arms folded a protective barrier across her waist, she drifted into a daze, leting the breeze of the night carry her thoughts to the winds.  
  
He watched her peach and pink clad form. She was lightened by the rays of moon that drifted from above. Short breezes caught wispy strands of beautiful long blonde hair, curling it about her neck and face. He had originally come out her to laugh at her, in some way, poke fun at her demeanor, call her mediocre once more. But seeing her, this vision trying to be strong when obviously something was wrong stopped him.  
  
Heavy boot stomps in the soft grass made her turn sharply around, staring into the vast darkness that surrounded her. Irritated more then scared, she peered into the ethereal form that was approaching.  
  
"Who's there?!" She shouted.   
  
"Hold your horses Instructor. I'm just coming out for a damned walk." Seifer grunted. He walked on the earth like he owned it, siding with her. "Instructor, you're out past your bedtime. Defiance, I should write you up. You must be seriously lacking sleep, it shows in your lousy teachings."  
  
He was shocked when she faced him suddenly and lifted an arm to send a stinging slap across his cheek. Seifer stumbled backwards, falling onto his backside. Gripping his face and glared up at her. "Stupid cow, what the hell was that for?!"  
  
Her fists where clenched to her sides and she stared down at him anger tracing her features. "YOU...YOU HAVE NO DAMNED RIGHT!"  
  
Seifer stood up, snarling at her. "Why'd you hit me?! Tell me Instructor or you're going on the list!"  
  
She surprised him by cackling out loud, like a demonic wench. "List?! Put me on your Hyne Damned LIST Seifer Almasy?! Do it! just DO IT! I'm tired of waiting! Put me on the damned list and just shut the hell up!"  
  
Wincing, he stood tall, trying to mentally overpower her. "What's your problem, Instructor?"  
  
Silence greeted him as she turned her head and faced away from him.  
  
"Alright, I get it.. don't worry. I forgive you for putting me in the same Squad as Puberty Boy." He smirked.  
  
More silence. But her body tensed up now.  
  
"...Also for putting Chicken-Wuss with me too."  
  
Quistis spun around now, and headed back towards the Garden, stomping angrily. Seifer frowned and ran after her, shouting at her to hold still until he finally caught up to her, gripping her wrist and pulling her close. "The hell's your problem Instructor?!"  
  
"DON'T CALL ME INSTRUCTOR, SEIFER!" She shouted at him. Ripping her wrist free, she shoved him away, hard.   
  
Seifer picked himself up from the wall and groaned, holding the back of his head. "Quistis, why the sudden change? Geezus, you act as if they took away your Instructing License."  
  
Her face paled enough that he noticed it in the dank light. The rage exited her face and was replaced by a meloncholey stare, her lips parting ever so lightly in defeat. Body sagging, she stared at him, almost, as if mentally telling him that for once, he was indeed right.  
  
"Ah..man.. Instructor.." He whispered, reaching for her shaking form.  
  
"...don't. Just fucking don't." She leveled, not daring to face his eyes.  
  
"Swearing isn't becoming of you, Trepe." Seifer deadpanned.  
  
"So what?" She snarled. "Like it's any of your business how I talk."  
  
Seifer rolled his eyes then placed them on her angrily. "It is. I'm the head of the Disciplinary Committee."  
  
"You mean the Idiot Commitee." Quistis hissed, folding her arms about her waist.  
  
"Watch it Trepe."  
  
"Make me."  
  
Stepping towards her, he threw his arms outward, in a sullen eagle spread of defeat. "Alright. I get it. You're angry. But don't take it out on me that you're a mediocre instructor and the heads have just found out. Beside, you prove it by being up past curfew like now."  
  
Quistis lifted her hands to her face, rubbing her eyes. It was late, past 3 in the morning, she estimated. Looking back up at Seifer, she scowled. "You're up past curfew too."  
  
"That doesn't matter."  
  
"Why not?"  
  
"Because."  
  
"Because you're a jerk? A loser? A failure as a SeeD? Oh wait you didn't even make it that far."  
  
A muscle in his jaw tensed up at the sound of her being so vicious. The remark had definetely hit a nerve. He raised a finger to point at and snarled "Watch your mouth Trepe."  
  
She stood back on her heels and smriked at him. Seifer tried to read her face. She wasn't being arrogant and cocky, even if she had tried to pass herself off as doing so. She was very upset, the conclusion told him. Upset, angry, and ready to blame anyone within her grasps.  
  
"You deserve every damned insult I fling at you, Seifer. You're the one who made me lose my Instructor's License, you're the one who failed on the field exam, you're the one who runs around acting like the Hyne of Balamb Garden with your little pair of followers-"  
  
"DON'T call Fuj and Rai followers!" He snapped. Another nerve hit.  
  
"Then what are they?"  
  
"Friends."  
  
"Yeah. Right. You need a heart to have friends."  
  
"Ever occur to you that maybe I do have a heart?" He hissed at her, leaning backward to stare at her through narrowed eyes.  
  
"You never proved other wise." Quistis deadpanned.  
  
"Huh.. Well tell me, Instructor.." Seifer hissed out the word like a curse. "Have you ever once thought on attempting to look?!"  
  
Quistis opened her mouth to reply but only the sound of one unsure came from her throat. Seifer waved her off before she could speak properly. "No. Don't even start, Quistis. You're too busy fawning over Squall Leonhart to ever take notice of me, or anyone else for that matter."  
  
"That's not true, Seifer. I loved all my students equally!"   
  
Seifer snickered, and folded his arms across his chest. "Oh? Do you love me?"  
  
Quistis tried to speak, almost blurting out the words 'I love you' to defective young man. Catching herself early, she swallowed. "Just as with the other students, I loved you dearly."  
  
"That's a damned lie."  
  
"It is not!"  
  
"Oh yeah?" Seifer raised an eyebrow at her. His face held the emotions of turmoil and jealousy at his former Instructor. "When Squall and I were hurt in a training session.."  
  
"What? Training session?" She asked. Seifer glared at her and thrust a finger to the scar that dazzled his face. Familiarity dawned her face and she nodded. "Oh. Yes. That one."  
  
"Yeah." Seifer grunted, rubbing the back of his neck. "Why didn't you come see me?"  
  
"Go see you? Afterwards you mean?" She asked.  
  
"Yeah. Afterwards. You saw Squall, but neglected to come see me." The last part sounded almost like a whine. Quistis winced as realization came in.  
  
"Oh.. I..I don't know." The tip of her tongue snaked out to wet her lips as she suddenly felt very uncomfortable. Seifer nodded smugly and continued on.  
  
"You realize how long I was waiting for my 'dear Instructor' to come see me? Only to have the doctor come into my dorm where she sent me and say 'Get back to class'?" He walked to her now, closer. She felt slightly threatened, but still didn't move. "And when I get BACK to my 'favorite' class, what does my 'favorite' Instructor do?" He put his arms at his side stiffly and tried his best to give a falsetto of her voice. "Seifer, don't injure your partner during training!' THAT'S what I get! Not a Hyne damned pat on the back like Puberty Boy got, just yet another bitch out from my favorite teacher.." He turned his back to her now, and gazed upwards. He clocked the time to be around 3:30 in the morning. They were up awfully late..  
  
  
"Seifer.." Her voice broke the silence. "I didn't know.. I thought you hurt him on purpose.."  
  
"Hyne you are so damned dense!" He spun around to face her. The angery frustration was evident on his face as he hissed through clenched teeth. "I DID slice his face up on purpose! And he did the same! What the hell does it take to get your damned attention for more then ten seconds when a student answers a question?! Do I have to be a lone wolf like Squall?! Walk around like I don't give a damn about anything or anyone, follow orders blindly like a whipped puppy? Well I'm sorry, In-STRUC-tor.." He growled. "That's not me."  
  
Quistis took a deep breath, settling her nerves. "Seifer. I'm sorry."  
  
"Not as sorry as I am." He whispered. "I shouldn't have told you."  
  
She looked up at him, and placed a hand on his arm. "Yes you should have. I didn't know."  
  
He shrugged her arm off. "Don't worry about it. Just go back to brooding over Puberty Boy in the secret place.."  
  
"You know about the Training Center?" She was somewhat shocked he did. No one was ever busted after curfew there..  
  
"Yeah." Seifer ran a hand through his hair. "I've gone there a couple of times."  
  
"Oh."  
  
"Anyways.. Get back to bed. Or something. Or I'll have to bust you. For curfew. Just.. go." He waved her off, and started walking back towards the Garden gates.  
  
Quistis watched him, for a few moments before running up to catch up with him. "Seifer..Wait..!"  
  
Stopping in his tracks, he looked back at her and glared. "Now what?"  
  
Stepping infront of him, he noticed her eyes were brimmed with tears. Not understanding how his Instructor would be crying, he lifted a gloved palm to her cheek, cupping her face. "Quistis..?"  
  
Quistis sniffled, unable to hold her emotions intact before she took that hand in her own and used her other arm to wrap around his neck, pulling him close to her body. Encasing him in her arm, she released his hand and wrapped it around his waist, molding his muscular form to her body. It wasn't until her own form was wracked with sobs did he finally raise his arms to surround her in his embrace, holding her loosely against the chilled morning air. Through muffled sounds she whispered into his ear almost incoherently. "Seifer.. I'm sorry.."  
  
"What for?" he asked, his voice still holding the grudge he had just revealed.  
  
She sniffled against his collar, and didn't move. "For..failing you.. in every way possible.." Her body wracked with the pent up up sobs she was so used to keeping inside  
  
He felt her then. Felt her pain, her guilt, entwined with his own. Seifer held her tighter against his form, pulling her into his dark abyss of unfelt emotions, finally, feeling as if for once he wasn't alone.  
But it was the truth. In every way possible, she failed him. His expectations, his feelings. His heart. Pulling her closer, he lowered his own head on top of hers and let his own frustrations and anger form crystal like tear drops that rested in his eyes. "So am I, Quistis. So am I." 


End file.
